Really hitting me,

Okay, It's really hitting me now. I really might now graduate, I have 9 more days left of school, & I need to get all my work done for history. I've been slacking off this whole semester and only now I'm finally getting my butt up and do something about it. I really don't know what the hell to do, but just try my best. Everything's possible, right? if you set your mind to it. So here I go, being such a big procasinator again, I don't even know if I spelt that shit right, but who gives a damn. I'm so effin worried about what the hell I'm gonna do. I have 9 more days! 9 MORE DAYS! & now I'm trynna focus, wtf is wrong w/ me righ? I don't know either. I have no effin idea what the heck I've gotten myself into. I might not even be able to attend practices for graduation because my history teacher still needs to give an okay that I'll be walking. FML, seriously. FML right now. Prayyyy for me, please.

I only noticed,

I only noticed that I write in the blogger when I'm in my 3rd pd. I'm finally done w/ my Nova net. Thats good, I have that off my chest, but I still have my 1st period I need to worry about, I have about a week left until I finally get everything done w/ my school. I still don't know if I'm gonna graduate. Yikes. Pray for me?

Nervous.

I'm graduating soon....

Nervous.

I'm graduating soon....

3rd pd,

just 2 more modules to go,
and one big test.
FML.

finally, i caught it.

All this time I've been chasing happiness.
& guess what? I finally caught it.
I'm just completely happy at this point.
& nothing can stop me now.
try me.

I love the feeling you bring towards me.
ajpastoral. <3

closer,

21 days left for seniors.
FML.

3rd period,

So. Here I am, dazzin` off into space when I'm suppose to be doing my Novanet. I'm a little half way done but I'm stuck in this module. I have 23 days left of my senior year and i'm slacking. how sad. I've been working my butt off pulling up to 50 hrs, just so that I can get money for prom. I stilll need to pass my 1st period class, but that basically impossible right now because my damn history teacher is out w/ the flu & I have no idea what time she'll be coming back. FML already. lol x]

Saturday Credit Club,

Updating this blogger in Saturday school. I'm actually done w/ my work but I'm just waiting for Angie to finish at 12 because she can't leave until 12. Suprising such a smart girl at Saturday school. Lol,

I'm suppose to be doing my Novanet, but I'm stuck on this one problem and I don't want to ask for help. Graduation is almost here, and I'm still trynna get out of this mess I put myself in. Prom is coming up, Excited for that, and sad at the same time, last prom I'll be attending as a student.

Busy body,

So It's been a hell of a while since I've updated this blogger. W/ graduation coming up, it's been one of a stressful thing in my life right now. Just bascially trynna graduate is one thing. All in all I know it's gonna be hella worth it after it comes up. & Also another thing i've been stressin about is prom! prom is coming up, and it's gonna be my last prom! so this means, saving up my $$ for prom. this means, more working and that means, me being more tired, ack.

Whaaaaa?

Life is becoming more harder.
I don't want to grow up.

I wish I had someone else
to pay the things that need to be paid for.
I wanna be back in elementary school.

Where all I had to worry about
was if I make to the bathroom in time.
"/

KCCY

July 25, 2005
You are my rock

..& After all this time, My love for you has not only stayed the same,
but stronger. This time please... Make me feel like it's worth it. <3

Bi-Polar,

God always puts me through the most toughest things.. But I ain't giving up, I know he's doing this for a reason. I just gotta find that path where that reason is..

wow,

I dont wanna be anything other then what ive been tryin to be lately..

A lot has happen in the past I don't know how long since I haven't blogged! I don't know. But all I can say is that I am truly blessed. I never realized how many options are open to me and how I'm so afraid of taking it. That was what my biggest fear on this past retreat I went to. My last retreat to attend as a teen, this will be my 5 retreat I've attended. & I've got to say it was worth it. Getting away from the weekend just to spend it with God. I love it,

So I got about 2 more days before the term ends and here comes Spring break. Awesome right? I hope so. I haven't closed my books yet, I don't think I am until Friday? Haww. I hate procasination. I hate how I'm such a last minute person, getting all my grades together, and passing so I can walk with my class. Speaking of school, I recently went on LOA (Leave of absence) for work because of school. Being a senior can be very scary, imagine college, yikes!

Above it all, It was all worth it. I hope in the end of this week. I'll be going to be with a good note. I'm gonna be praying. So darn hard. I love how God puts me into situations like these just to test me. I love you, hahahaha. :)

3 more weeks.

So I have 3 more weeks till I finally can close my books and rest my brain because It's Spring Break! :) I'm so effin exhasuted with school, imagine how it would be just trying to get through life after graduation. Speaking of graduation it's months closer, and as I said in the blog before this, I am so damn scared. I mean, when my first day of my senior year I thought, "damnn, I can't wait till graduation!" wrong. I don't want graduation to come, not yet that is. Senior year went by to darn fast and before I know it, I'll be graduating...

I got a retreat coming up next week, thats another thing I'm not really looking forward too, forgive me Jesus, but it's because I haven't been to one in a while and since this is going to be my last one to participate it's going to be one I need to remember and make the best out of it. Speaking of Church and all that, I totally forgot, I reminded myself this morning like a million times since I was so hungry during 1st and 2nd pd, I reminded myself that I won't be able to eat meat today, & whatya know. I'm taking bites off manapua chicken, YIKES! I totally forgot because I was so darn hungry, again, please forgive me jesus. He probably is so disspointed in me, that this is why I'm going through so many struggles right now, he's probably testing me if I can handle every obstacle he throws at me, and you know what? I'm gonna prove him wrong, and do it and face every problem I have. I hope.

Another thing is.. I hate my job, for those who don't know where I work yet, I work at Zippy's. & I hate it, the pay may be so great but damn dealing with some mean ass customers everyday is difficult, having to pull 40+ hours everytime just so I can get medical again because my mom can't support me with medical because I turned 18 already, gahh. What more stress can life throw at me? School + failing x work = LACK OF SLEEP. & even depression. Ack! I really hope that all this hard work I'm doing pulls off after graduation.

Lord, I love you. I know you have a path set for me. I just gotta fix my ways first. †

risks.

so it's official, i am finally going to a retreat, i haven't been on one for so long, this will be my i believe 6th retreat, honestly i am so nervous. i just wanna come home and feel like i'm heading some where, finally.

I have been taking the loads of risks lately, okay, it may not be a lot to some of you, but as the person I am I hate taking risk because I'm afraid it might not come out to what I want it to be. but hey, it's worth the try.

Another thing is that, us class of 2009 have about 2 more months of school left, since we finish in may. im scared as fuck. "/

Change,

IS GOOD.

decisons, and LENT.

So it's been about a year since I've got confirmed. & I've been a complete mess ever since, ain't to proud to type this out but I have. I've been away from church, when I use to go on a daily and now It's like whenever I feel like it, I know. Hate to admit it, I just don't feel that feeling I use to feel, I feel like a devil has eaten up my soul. So the question is.. Should I attend Full-Filled? Getting the form emailed to me from my sponsor/cousin was such a great feeling, the thing that keeps repeating in my head is... Am I ready? Am I going for the right reason(s) and will I be able to feel the gift that god has given to me before I neglected it. -___- So I have 2 more days and honestly.. I have no idea yet Lord...

So Lent has come around once again, and tooo I don't know what in the world am I gonna give up, and I don't want it to be just for 40 days, bcuz I have learned from the past that lent is not something you give up just for 4o days and then go back, it's always good to try and keep it up even after lent is over. So as I'm thinking what in the world am I gonna do? I've come up with seriously changing my bad habits, don't let TEMPTATIONS get in the way. Not just for 40 days, but for the rest of my 18 yrs and on.

Idk if this blog even made any sense, but I tried to let it out... It's not like me to just express my feelings so easy.

Life on pause.

Title basically explains it all. This past week has been yet another roller coaster ride. I'm moving forward but with change. Not for you, but for me.

Focusing.

I've been trying to sleep at night, last night I got through the night without any dreams, or maybe I just couldn't remember, although I did wake up to you on my mind, but that ain't nothing new, it's been that way for the past 2 months now. I've learned that time waits for nobody and life isn't gonna stop for you, there's no time to look back and think about 'what if's anymore. It's about now, and how your gonna pick yourself up, and mooooooooveeee.

Anyway, Happy 21st Birthday Stoney! I hope you have a great birthday. :)

Idk If I've mentioned but my nephew's back here again for vaca! Only for a week and then he's off to Afghanistan for 5 months.

Overall, my weekend went pretty well. Minus out my bi-polar moments. ;P

Edit. - 7.08pm

So as I mentioned that my nephew is back down here for vaca, but it always is a struggle hearing him go through hard times espeicially trynna see his kids. I don't think anyone should go through things that shouldn't even be such a big deal. I've been through some pretty hard things, experienced things that I felt like It was going to be the end of the world, but when he's always down here, it always makes me realize alot of things, and that is. Other people have it harder than we do. I need to start realizing that, since I'm in a position in my life where I don't know what to do, I need to appreciate the simple things in life, and don't mind other people who don't really matter. I wish my nephew's ex doesn't keep on doing this to him, he seriously doesn't deserve any of this. I love my nephew to death, and seeing him go through this struggle with his ex, it just tears my heart into a million of pieces. It has come to the point where, really.. nobody should take life for granted & I need to start seeing that.

Fear,

I don't know if It's just my emotions messin` with me, but I seriously can't sleep anymore. I dont know what to do anymore. I'm still in a complete mess. FUCK

Questions

I couldn't help but wake up already, I can't keep dreaming about you. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't sleep at night, because I'm afraid that I'll only dream about you once again. I hate the fact that I can't do anything but just let it go. I can't identify why I keep dreaming about you. The answers they give me when I research about dreams is hard bcuz they give me answers I don't wanna read. It's been day 6 and I'm still dreamin`. CRAZY!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! I hope every couple out there has a great Valentines day. Ha, as the usual I'm working. I hope it isn't a bitch and it's busy. Ergh, Anyway. Shift today 4-11pm. Wish me luck!

half way there.

I've been away from blogging, I felt like I couldn't blog in such a mess I was in.

So I dreamt about you again, after all this has been day 5 since you've been in my dreams. I can't seem to understand why I keep dreaming about you, & It's just not dreams also. It may not be everyday.. But seems like every other day I'd see you driving that red car of yours.

After all of this, I decided I should google it, since I'm such a big fan of google! I couldn't help but do it. Although within the 5 days you've been in my dreams, I just couldn't seem to find time to actually sit down and do it. Since I had no school today, that was the first thing I did was when I woke up in the morning. So there I went and searched "what does it mean if you dream about a past love constantly?" & the big answer they give me is just you still love them. Some way to put it huh? Athough I got my answer, it still seems to confusing.

I'm half way there, I can see the light coming brighter each time I don't let it get to me. I feel like this is a test for me to see if I have the strength to keep moving forward. I just wish life would take it more easier on me.