decisons, and LENT.

So it's been about a year since I've got confirmed. & I've been a complete mess ever since, ain't to proud to type this out but I have. I've been away from church, when I use to go on a daily and now It's like whenever I feel like it, I know. Hate to admit it, I just don't feel that feeling I use to feel, I feel like a devil has eaten up my soul. So the question is.. Should I attend Full-Filled? Getting the form emailed to me from my sponsor/cousin was such a great feeling, the thing that keeps repeating in my head is... Am I ready? Am I going for the right reason(s) and will I be able to feel the gift that god has given to me before I neglected it. -___- So I have 2 more days and honestly.. I have no idea yet Lord...

So Lent has come around once again, and tooo I don't know what in the world am I gonna give up, and I don't want it to be just for 40 days, bcuz I have learned from the past that lent is not something you give up just for 4o days and then go back, it's always good to try and keep it up even after lent is over. So as I'm thinking what in the world am I gonna do? I've come up with seriously changing my bad habits, don't let TEMPTATIONS get in the way. Not just for 40 days, but for the rest of my 18 yrs and on.

Idk if this blog even made any sense, but I tried to let it out... It's not like me to just express my feelings so easy.

Life on pause.

Title basically explains it all. This past week has been yet another roller coaster ride. I'm moving forward but with change. Not for you, but for me.

Focusing.

I've been trying to sleep at night, last night I got through the night without any dreams, or maybe I just couldn't remember, although I did wake up to you on my mind, but that ain't nothing new, it's been that way for the past 2 months now. I've learned that time waits for nobody and life isn't gonna stop for you, there's no time to look back and think about 'what if's anymore. It's about now, and how your gonna pick yourself up, and mooooooooveeee.

Anyway, Happy 21st Birthday Stoney! I hope you have a great birthday. :)

Idk If I've mentioned but my nephew's back here again for vaca! Only for a week and then he's off to Afghanistan for 5 months.

Overall, my weekend went pretty well. Minus out my bi-polar moments. ;P

Edit. - 7.08pm

So as I mentioned that my nephew is back down here for vaca, but it always is a struggle hearing him go through hard times espeicially trynna see his kids. I don't think anyone should go through things that shouldn't even be such a big deal. I've been through some pretty hard things, experienced things that I felt like It was going to be the end of the world, but when he's always down here, it always makes me realize alot of things, and that is. Other people have it harder than we do. I need to start realizing that, since I'm in a position in my life where I don't know what to do, I need to appreciate the simple things in life, and don't mind other people who don't really matter. I wish my nephew's ex doesn't keep on doing this to him, he seriously doesn't deserve any of this. I love my nephew to death, and seeing him go through this struggle with his ex, it just tears my heart into a million of pieces. It has come to the point where, really.. nobody should take life for granted & I need to start seeing that.

Fear,

I don't know if It's just my emotions messin` with me, but I seriously can't sleep anymore. I dont know what to do anymore. I'm still in a complete mess. FUCK

Questions

I couldn't help but wake up already, I can't keep dreaming about you. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't sleep at night, because I'm afraid that I'll only dream about you once again. I hate the fact that I can't do anything but just let it go. I can't identify why I keep dreaming about you. The answers they give me when I research about dreams is hard bcuz they give me answers I don't wanna read. It's been day 6 and I'm still dreamin`. CRAZY!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! I hope every couple out there has a great Valentines day. Ha, as the usual I'm working. I hope it isn't a bitch and it's busy. Ergh, Anyway. Shift today 4-11pm. Wish me luck!

half way there.

I've been away from blogging, I felt like I couldn't blog in such a mess I was in.

So I dreamt about you again, after all this has been day 5 since you've been in my dreams. I can't seem to understand why I keep dreaming about you, & It's just not dreams also. It may not be everyday.. But seems like every other day I'd see you driving that red car of yours.

After all of this, I decided I should google it, since I'm such a big fan of google! I couldn't help but do it. Although within the 5 days you've been in my dreams, I just couldn't seem to find time to actually sit down and do it. Since I had no school today, that was the first thing I did was when I woke up in the morning. So there I went and searched "what does it mean if you dream about a past love constantly?" & the big answer they give me is just you still love them. Some way to put it huh? Athough I got my answer, it still seems to confusing.

I'm half way there, I can see the light coming brighter each time I don't let it get to me. I feel like this is a test for me to see if I have the strength to keep moving forward. I just wish life would take it more easier on me.